Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
