Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
