she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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