my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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