Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
