This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
