So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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