At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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