Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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