Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
