Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
