Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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