I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
