its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
