I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I got her a Nickelback box set.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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