How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
