and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
