Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
