Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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