i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
