He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I love you. Go after that dick
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
