i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
