OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
