Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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