when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
