mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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