Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
