I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
