So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
