I CAN MOONWALK!
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Randomize
