can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I skipped work to stalk him.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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