cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
