started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
