Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
