In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
