i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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