my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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