Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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