smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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