just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
