it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
