While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
