I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
