update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
