Banned from zoo.
Again?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
