My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
