I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
