You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
