dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
