I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
